My Life Situation and Absence from Contrebombarde
I wish all of my friends, listeners, members of this forum, and ALL reading this a very happy, healthy and peaceful new year.
I first joined the Concert Hall on September 3, 2011. That seems like a very long time ago, and am happy and grateful for all the friends and supporters that I've been fortunate to find here. I've interacted with lots of you, and hope that I've been able to be helpful to all of those who asked for assistance, whether in sharing scores, answering questions, or just lending an ear when someone just wanted to talk about something. Believe me when I say that I consider MYSELF to have been greatly blessed by all of these associations.
As most of my long-time listeners will know, I developed breast cancer a few years ago. Breast cancer is very rare in men, but if it develops in a man, it's almost always very aggressive.
This potential problem was probably growing inside me for most of my life, but I guess it wasn't cancerous, and never manifested itself until a lump appeared, which actually poked through my skin into the size of a golf ball. I had surgery, a radical mastectomy, and we believed that my surgeon, Dr. Sultan, had gotten all of it. Because of the size of the growth, he decided to "stretch skin from my back, pulling it across my chest. This was done to avoid the need of a skin graft.
After the surgery, I had massive doses of radiation in the hope of preventing recurrence. The radiation produces scar tissue which in itself provides stiffness and tightness. If you add this into the equation of my skin being stretched, the tightness was significant, causing discomfort and much loss of mobility.
I went under the treatment of an oncologist (still am), Dr. Druck, who is a nice guy and very good. He explained that while surgery was successful, often cancer surgery is like a farmer who tills barren but potentially fertile soil. If not tilled, nothing grows in the ground, but once you till it, it can become very fertile. Unfortunately, this is what happened to me, and a second growth appeared on New Year's Day of 2022.
First indications were that it was benign, but it became malignant and a second surgery was done in the summer of 2022. This time, the surgery had to cut all the way down to my rib. The cancer had not "attached" itself, but there was more. This time, a major skin graft was required which took over three months to heal. Also, the "shape" of my body was changed, meaning that things were "pulled" from the normal positions from the left to the right side of my body. This time, the tightness was almost unbearable, and if anything it's gotten worse. The oncologist was against the surgery, warning that it could return again, and it has...
He wanted me to do chemotherapy, but having seen what this did to two people we know, I adamantly refused. Things remained pretty stable, and the cancer antigen in my blood was good. Now that antigen has jumped. What does that exactly mean? We don't know, but it can't be good.
Another growth appeared, so I agreed to do oral chemotherapy. This crap costs $7,000 per month, but because of our finances, I received at no cost. I've done two types of oral medication but neither has achieved anything other than producing horrific side effects.
I don't know if any of you know someone who has had chemotherapy, but if you do, you probably have heard terrorizing stories of the side effects. Those stories are not fabrications or exaggerations. In my case, the side effects have included, numbness in hands and feet, poor vision, loss of 30+ pounds, and water in my legs, to name a few. The leg swelling produced open sores which "weep" or shed water. The oncologist figures that I was carrying at least 15 pounds of water in my right leg. It's improved, but not healed, and there is still a lot of water there.
Another bizarre effect, rare but not unheard of, is the psychological effects. These chemos are taken in combination with hormones. The interactions of all this has taken my fears, my bitterness at having my career stolen from me, my frustrations about many aspects of my life, etc., stirred them all up, and created a mixture of rage and physical self abuse. I spoke to one specialist and they felt that this was heightened by my "artistic nature" which might only be "cured" by more drugs or incredible self control.
More drugs? No. Incredible self control? I'm really trying.
Just to add to this, my hearing, which has tortured me for over 10 years, has again exploded. I guess this wasn't helped by my slapping my face 1,000 times in a week, but the hearing had already slipped before I did this.
All this has been hell for my wife, Gale. I could never survived the medical aspects of this without her love and caring knowledge and experience as a former nurse. However, my uncontrolled rage, never physically directed at her, has none the less been brutal for her to experience, and for this I'm very, very sorry, and trying my best to do and be better.
Maybe some here will find this a funny or amusing image to picture. It's not, and I hope you don't.
I appreciate the fact that some have asked or wondered why I wasn't uploading or "participating" on the Concert Hall. I can't\won't upload when I can't hear to record. I actually did record two Christmas items awhile back, but I won't upload them unless I can hear well enough to know whether or not they are satisfactory. It may be surprising that until recently, I still did some pretty large-scale pieces despite the fact of what I'm going through. I felt that my playing standards had fallen a bit, but not so far as to force me to stop doing it.
As to listening to the recordings of others, I've already mentioned why I've not been commenting. What sort of respect would it show to the uploader if I automatically said: "Great job!" without even hearing a single note?
So, basically, this is where my life is at the moment. Every day is a real strug
